Just Breathe
An old family friend passed away recently and it was only thrust upon me yesterday as to the magnitude of that event. I embraced this woman who happened (no coincidences, right?) into the restaurant I work with her two sons. She clung to me as my mother had just a few short years ago after the passing of my father. Guilt washed over me. No. Surprisingly, as always, this woman made ME feel better. She has this ability, and has always had, to make others feel good simply by her presence. She takes life as it comes and rolls with the punches no matter the pain that might bring others to their knees.
I breathe. Trying to understand how she, like my mother, has been able to go through life happy. Not letting the woes and happenstances of this earthly life undermine an otherwise joyful experience of living.
I breathe.
Always have I looked to the safe harbor, but never been happy when I do. Always I have been told that it is a must that I follow the trodden path…the true, the safe, the definite, the absolute that will secure my future.
Fuck that shit!
Tried. Miserably failing to see the future of my endeavors, I succumb to stress instead. Too late in life to start now. Not happening. Stress versus a secure future? Yeah…….NO! I must breathe…just breathe….
Enjoying life is more important and, now, I understand this is the only way to fulfill my destiny. Live. Love. Laugh!
When I reluctantly cut loose my stress inducing work, I slept for most of four days. Then, while wondering where I might spend my last summer days on the Outer Banks, I get a call out of the blue. Destiny? Maybe. Fate? Maybe. Where I should be right now? Absolutely.
Where and when and how and why….Never will I allow for the voices that intrude (not always the ones in my head) to nudge me, guide me, fucking push me into that which is abnormal for my soul!
Words have been jumbled in my head for far too long. Crying, no. Dying to get out. Time to put them on the proverbial paper and release my soul. Time to just do what I love. Writing. Making others happy. In service.
Certainly there is a higher power that has instilled within me this need. And I know there are better paths to achieve the peace along with the security. However, it eludes me. Perhaps, though, it is this that I do that is exactly what I must/should/need do. That will bring the peace that I fight for.
So I breathe…stop fighting…stop resisting what I lean to…what I follow…what is laid upon my table.
Just breathe…
Fucking Fam Dam!!!!
How fucking hard is it to remember those whose lot is less than?! Especially when it comes to blood!
A word, a card, a letter, bits of cash…all go a long way to those who crave human contact of any sort. And would it kill you to take some time and visit your own damn brother, uncle, father??!!! Hell no! Stop crying broke or got no time! Get over your self-centered selves and take care of your own! You have your freedom…a life…a future. No matter the reason for others lot in life, they are still blood…and they did the best they could…even if it wasn’t good enough for you…they did the best they could!
I remember a man who would do anything for his family when it mattered most. A man who would give me his last dime if he thought it would help. A man who loved life and lived it to it’s fullest. Yes, I know he did not always do the right thing. But who the fuck are we to judge?!
Those closest to me now are not family, save for my brother. I struggle daily with the loss of relational contact, but remove myself out of self-preservation. Those who believe their lives more important. More important than anyone else. Sparing no bit of time for others in need. In need of support…emotionally…financially…physically.
Screw ‘em! I will keep my word as I whispered into my dying father’s ear. No matter my difficulties…my struggles…I can only honor my father by taking care of his son to the best of my abilities. My big brother is now my best friend. The one to whom I rely upon for support. My biggest fan. His life is not a waste nor is it unimportant. He has so much to give if only some would give the chance.
So go ahead. Live your life like it’s the only thing that matters. I will handle it. I will support. I will comfort. I will do your duty.
There you have it! My rant, my issue, my borderline hatred exposed…Sure, not quite like me, but I have had about all I can take and need to vent. So apologies to those who take offense…yeah…NO! I have nothing to apologize for…there are those of you who certainly need to, though!
Always, ALWAYS, take care of others and you will be taken care of. And love unconditionally, giving of yourself no matter the cost!
L
So Let’s Just Forget About It
Though I have struggled with not getting into the restaurant of choice for the rest of my time on the OBX, I must keep in mind that it’s happened for a reason. Perhaps it is just time for me to head south and forget about it!
I did not plan on leaving for a couple months, but I have been even contemplating staying here through the shitty cold winter and catching the wave again next summer. However, I have tried my damnedest to pimp myself out and have no takers on the more administrative works <gagging at the thought of sitting inside for 8+ hours a day>.
So perhaps it is time to get going with the south Florida move and push ahead with warmer winds as they will begin to turn too cold here too soon.
Besides, my news of being able to go ahead and pursue my Master’s next year is exhilarating! Oh yeah, most of you don’t even know that I found out it will be possible. I had thought that door closed. Alas, it is not!
Therefore, I must work in the industries that will further my development as I move through the graduate program. What is that? Undecided exactly. Maybe MBA. Maybe Hospitality Management.
Gotta go where the money is without completely stepping outside my under-graduate major. Yep, had aspirations of finally doing something worthwhile when I got my MSW and attaining a LCSW status (licensed clinical social worker).
Dreams get crushed. Dreams change. I pride myself on being adaptable. So be it! So let’s just forget about it and move on….And show me the money!
All in all, it is about what works for me; for those I care about. Hell, at my age, what will best provide for my future financial security and ability to enjoy life at the same time without monetary constraints.
And while I am working on becoming enthralled in a personal partnership of love, I want to know that I am doing my part in that partnership!
Peace Out, my friends!
Lisa
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