I breathe. Trying to understand how she, like my mother, has been able to go through life happy. Not letting the woes and happenstances of this earthly life undermine an otherwise joyful experience of living.

I breathe.

Always have I looked to the safe harbor, but never been happy when I do. Always I have been told that it is a must that I follow the trodden path…the true, the safe, the definite, the absolute that will secure my future.

Fuck that shit!

Tried. Miserably failing to see the future of my endeavors, I succumb to stress instead. Too late in life to start now. Not happening. Stress versus a secure future? Yeah…….NO! I must breathe…just breathe….

Enjoying life is more important and, now, I understand this is the only way to fulfill my destiny. Live. Love. Laugh!

When I reluctantly cut loose my stress inducing work, I slept for most of four days. Then, while wondering where I might spend my last summer days on the Outer Banks, I get a call out of the blue. Destiny? Maybe. Fate? Maybe. Where I should be right now? Absolutely.

Where and when and how and why….Never will I allow for the voices that intrude (not always the ones in my head) to nudge me, guide me, fucking push me into that which is abnormal for my soul!

Words have been jumbled in my head for far too long. Crying, no. Dying to get out. Time to put them on the proverbial paper and release my soul. Time to just do what I love. Writing. Making others happy. In service.

Certainly there is a higher power that has instilled within me this need. And I know there are better paths to achieve the peace along with the security. However, it eludes me. Perhaps, though, it is this that I do that is exactly what I must/should/need do. That will bring the peace that I fight for.

So I breathe…stop fighting…stop resisting what I lean to…what I follow…what is laid upon my table.

Just breathe…

A word, a card, a letter, bits of cash…all go a long way to those who crave human contact of any sort. And would it kill you to take some time and visit your own damn brother, uncle, father??!!! Hell no! Stop crying broke or got no time! Get over your self-centered selves and take care of your own! You have your freedom…a life…a future. No matter the reason for others lot in life, they are still blood…and they did the best they could…even if it wasn’t good enough for you…they did the best they could!

I remember a man who would do anything for his family when it mattered most. A man who would give me his last dime if he thought it would help. A man who loved life and lived it to it’s fullest. Yes, I know he did not always do the right thing. But who the fuck are we to judge?!

Those closest to me now are not family, save for my brother. I struggle daily with the loss of relational contact, but remove myself out of self-preservation. Those who believe their lives more important. More important than anyone else. Sparing no bit of time for others in need. In need of support…emotionally…financially…physically.

Screw ‘em! I will keep my word as I whispered into my dying father’s ear. No matter my difficulties…my struggles…I can only honor my father by taking care of his son to the best of my abilities. My big brother is now my best friend. The one to whom I rely upon for support. My biggest fan. His life is not a waste nor is it unimportant. He has so much to give if only some would give the chance.

So go ahead. Live your life like it’s the only thing that matters. I will handle it. I will support. I will comfort. I will do your duty.

There you have it! My rant, my issue, my borderline hatred exposed…Sure, not quite like me, but I have had about all I can take and need to vent. So apologies to those who take offense…yeah…NO! I have nothing to apologize for…there are those of you who certainly need to, though!

Always, ALWAYS, take care of others and you will be taken care of. And love unconditionally, giving of yourself no matter the cost!

L

I did not plan on leaving for a couple months, but I have been even contemplating staying here through the shitty cold winter and catching the wave again next summer. However, I have tried my damnedest to pimp myself out and have no takers on the more administrative works <gagging at the thought of sitting inside for 8+ hours a day>.

So perhaps it is time to get going with the south Florida move and push ahead with warmer winds as they will begin to turn too cold here too soon.

Besides, my news of being able to go ahead and pursue my Master’s next year is exhilarating! Oh yeah, most of you don’t even know that I found out it will be possible. I had thought that door closed. Alas, it is not!

Therefore, I must work in the industries that will further my development as I move through the graduate program. What is that? Undecided exactly. Maybe MBA. Maybe Hospitality Management.

Gotta go where the money is without completely stepping outside my under-graduate major. Yep, had aspirations of finally doing something worthwhile when I got my MSW and attaining a LCSW status (licensed clinical social worker).

Dreams get crushed. Dreams change. I pride myself on being adaptable. So be it! So let’s just forget about it and move on….And show me the money!

All in all, it is about what works for me; for those I care about. Hell, at my age, what will best provide for my future financial security and ability to enjoy life at the same time without monetary constraints.

And while I am working on becoming enthralled in a personal partnership of love, I want to know that I am doing my part in that partnership!

Peace Out, my friends!

Lisa

Even so, I will ride this train wherever it leads. Granted, choices we make affect where the train actually stops or lets me out. But for the most part, I must let it ride and just enjoy the ride. Or not.

But when must one make choices, decisions, that might make for less of a tumultuous, bumpy ride? Now, I suppose. Difficult? Absolutely. Heart wrenching? Definitely! But, alas, I must ultimately make my own choices.

Choices sometimes can not be just of the heart. Choices must sometimes listen to the head. This goes completely against my empirical thought processes, but I have come to realize that it may be a necessary component in order for my own survival.

So….what is it I must next step into? What is it I must do that will be quite uncomfortable in order for me to push positively in a forward direction? Instead of floundering in the sameness of past mistakes.

Only a higher power and my soul, if I allow it to overtake, can know.

Let’s hope I will simply do what it is I must do and not make choices based solely on others. Let’s hope I will instead let life choose for me. But can we really do that? Don’t all our choices affect our fate?

Absolutely!

Don’t all our concerns for others affect our destiny?

Absolutely!

Then what is my issue? What is it that I struggle with?

I do know on certain accounts, but they are neither here nor fucking there in the grand scheme. So I must let those accounts go or work them to gain my ultimate design. Cryptic?, as one tells me I am to a fault, maybe. But here is not the venue to disclose the issues I have at present. For it is simply an excuse! Though rightly.

All that babble being said, it is simply about my making choices. Hard as that is. Ultimately, my choices are exactly the ones that are right. How in the hell do I know? Because everything I do is happening for a reason. Even my choices are the right ones though I may question them…ALWAYS!

I have been seriously ignoring (on purpose) my writing, my brother’s writings, my blogging and need to get back to what it is I love to do, and do pretty damn well, I must admit.

It has been a good respite, simply living and not feeling the need nor having the desire to put everything to the proverbial paper. A favorite, fellow blogger and good friend, Roy, actually took this “simply living” attitude to the extreme and disconnected from 99% of all techno junk for a month, if not longer. In 2 days he should be back online, or so I hope, to tell of this experience of getting back to a life unplugged.

Shit, he’s got more guts than I do! I am WAY to addicted to my online, electronic, techno crap-ola to completely shut down! I don’t think I could go more than a day without checking in on Facebook.

So….now is the time to get back to it! And this time I REALLY mean it!

And OH.MY.GOD. have I got shit to spill…you won’t be disappointed, but much of it won’t be for the faint of heart or the those with prudish ideals on life. However, if you would love to hear what makes this girl tick and what ventures I have gotten into, or what swirls in the recesses of my imagination, you will surely get your fill…I promise!

I am actually working on 3 different books, and one I am transcribing that I hope my brother will continue, and will be posting excerpts on occasion. And though I have always loved to write it was not until I went back to get my college degree that I rekindled that fire.

But blogging was the first outlet that I actually came to find an affinity, so it is blogging that I will be pumping out my rants, raves and other brief ponderings on quite often.

As I move into this summer season, working my ass off waiting tables at the Sunset Grille in Duck, NC (stop by and say hi) and having a blast, I will be spending much of my downtime hitting the beach, typing out thoughts, stories and working on my books.